Monday, November 7, 2011

A Note on Codependency

I've got it.

This is a little surprising, seeing as how I used to be fiercely independent.  I took a job in a state away from all of my family and friends, and packed up and moved to North Carolina knowing virtually no one.  I got myself set up in my first apartment, started my job, and made friends.  A few years down the road, I bought my own house and got myself a dog. 

Of course, there were times when I was lonely.  If you've read this blog long enough, you'll know by now that all I ever wanted out of life was to be a wife and mother.  But I waited for those things to come along, while in the meantime I paid my own bills, kept up the maintenance on my house and car, got a Master's degree, excelled at my career, and kept up a fantastic social life.  I even attended many weddings without a date.  I didn't need one.  I had a great time on my own.

And then J came along...

You should know that we've lived together for more than three years now, and I still can't wait for him to get home from work every night.  I literally am so excited to hang out with my husband at the end of the day, every day.  Around 4:00 each afternoon, I start to get antsy, waiting for his message that he's on his way home. 

Well this week, J is on a business trip.  His first business trip since starting to work for this company.  And it's a doozy.  He's in SPAIN.  Across the ocean and six time zones away from me.  And this will be the longest we've been apart, ever, since we met.

It's only a week.  And I know many wives wouldn't even bat an eye about this.  But it's not my favorite thing.

J and I are together all the time.  We rarely do things without the other.  Not because we hold each other back, but because we just don't really want to.  We truly prefer to spend our time together.  Don't get me wrong, we are not permanently joined at the hip- J has his bi-monthly Dorkapalooza (Dungeons and Dragons group) and I have the occasional girl's night out.  But for the most part, we stick together.

So I scratch my head and ask myself how one who was once so independent has become the girl who cries when her husband leaves for a week?  Maybe it's because I waited so long to find the right one that I just don't like to let him go?  And the same goes for him?  I really don't know.

What I do know is that suddenly, noises in my house scare me.  I triple check that the doors are locked before bed, and I regret that I never learned how to shoot that gun that I was so upset about J bringing into the house in the first place.  I don't sleep well, because the bed just feels weird when I have it all to myself.  I have completely forgotten how to cook for one, and find myself eating cereal for dinner.

So I have come to the realization that I've caught codependency.  I like knowing that I can depend on my husband, and that he depends on me right back.  I don't regret the loss of my independence, because I feel like this is so much better.

Yep, I've caught codependency.  And you know what?  It doesn't bother me. 

Except for when J is on a business trip...

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