Friday, July 16, 2010

On a serious note...seriously.

**The original body of this entry was written back in April, but I didn't post it.  I just wasn't quite ready for my blog to "go there."  I later revisited this writing, and added to it.  The section entitled "The Next Chapter" was written in June.

I am finally ready to post.**

Trying to make a baby sucks.

In the beginning, there was excitement.  I was SO excited that we were going to do this.  We had only been married for a month when we decided to ditch the BC and start a family.  We were both so anxious to become parents, and we knew that we would be terrific at it.  We had lots of love to give a baby, and so we were ready to make one!  Of course, it didn't happen that first month.  And of course, I cried, because some little part of me really thought that it would happen for us right away.

The next couple of months weren't too bad.  My period showed up every month, but every month I told myself that it was still early.  In the meantime, I started obsessing about my body, my cycle.  I started using ovulation predictors and taking my basal body temperature, keeping charts of what was going on with my body each and every day throughout the cycle.  I did abundant Internet research and came across a website that had numerous forums for those trying to conceive, or "TTC" as the lingo goes.  I spent hours there each day, reading up on the struggles, issues, and happy stories that so many women were experiencing.  I was truly immersed.

After a few months of that, I put the thermometer away and let my subscription to the fertility website expire.  I knew that my cycle was normal, and that everything was doing what it was supposed to do (as far as I can tell at home, anyway).  Those other things were just causing my obsession to deepen, and I knew that it was probably causing more stress than it was worth.

Of course, every month when my period would rear her ugly head, I would have a mini-meltdown.  After we passed the six month mark, the meltdowns started happening more frequently.  Entering month eight now.  Still no positive tests.  Melting down weekly.

I am so overwhelmed with emotions that I just can't keep them in check.  I feel:
  • Impatience.  I know that this is a waiting game, but it turns out, I'm no good at waiting.
  • Frustration.  Is my body broken?  Is Jason's?  Why isn't this happening for us?
  • Jealousy.  I am green with envy.  I am jealous of everyone I know who has a baby, and sometimes I can't bring myself to feel happy for people who announce new pregnancies.
  • Guilt.  This is the time in my marriage when I am supposed to just enjoy my husband and marvel at the fact that we're married and get to spend the rest of our lives together.  Why can't I just do that and be happy?
  • Anger.  I am more than annoyed whenever anyone tells me to just "relax, and it will happen."  ESPECIALLY when the person who passes along that comment got pregnant without having to think about it.  REGRET also goes hand-in-hand with this one.  I wish that I had never told anyone we were trying.
  • Sadness.  Every. Single. Time. I see a baby, I am so sad that I don't have one.
  • Fear.  What if something really is wrong with me?  What if we have to take drastic measures that will drain us emotionally and financially?  What if the constant stress and worry damages my marriage?
With emotions running as deep as these, it's no wonder they spill over with more and more frequency.  (And it's also a cruel trick of nature that negative pregnancy tests coincide with PMS.)

Through all of this, though, we will keep trying.

Onward we go, into another new month...


After another month had passed after the above was written, J had a routine physical.  He mentioned to the doctor that we were having trouble conceiving, and she referred him to a specialist for a quick analysis.

Turns out, we really were working with a problem.

I headed off to my doctor, who quickly scheduled some tests for me (some simple blood tests, some painful, invasive procedures), informing me that it wasn't impossible to get pregnant on our own, just not very likely.

After my test results came back, we would be handed off the to fertility specialist for our IUI (intrauterine insemination) consultation.  Basically, I would be taking injectable medications to cause hyperovulation, then J's swimmers would be deposited exactly where they needed to be, eliminating the need for them to swim at all.  My doc said that assuming all of my tests turned out okay, that our problem could be "easily overcome" by this procedure.

This news came as a shock at first.  I didn't expect to immediately be sent for this kind of help.  It made sense, given our situation, but it was still a little disheartening to hear that making a baby the old fashioned way just wasn't very likely for us.

Then after J and I had thought about it a little, it didn't seem so bad.  As silly as it sounds, we felt a little validated.  That there was a reason that all these tests were turning out negative month after month.

And, we had a plan.  We'd get my tests taken care of so that we could take the results with us to the fertility specialist.  Then hopefully we could get going with the IUI the following month.  It was exciting again to think that within two or three months, I could be pregnant.  What once seemed like an eternity seemed like such a short time before we could have a baby on board.

Although I was a little nervous about all that was going on, I was also anxious for my tests to be done.  Bloodwork- check.  Easy enough, even for me, the one who hates needles.  Now to wait for the call to tell me if all of my hormone levels appeared to be normal- turns out, another complication- they weren't.  But we still needed the whole picture.

The next test was the scary one.  Painful.  Invasive.  Blech.  I was really nervous about this one.  However, I actually said to J, "I just can't wait for my period to get here so we can just get on with this test."

WHOA.  Did those words actually just come out of my mouth??  They sure did.  Again, there was a plan, and I wanted it to MOVE ALONG.

Here's the kicker...while I was busy waiting for my period to arrive so I could schedule the scary test, I was also busy growing a baby.

Yep.  I was pregnant.

And so preoccupied with the plan to make that baby that it didn't even occur to me that maybe we wouldn't need the plan after all.

We did it.  We beat the odds.  We made a baby.

 Baby Anderson!  Due 2/24/11

No comments:

Post a Comment


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...